Match. Let’s just say, I took one for the team by watching this movie to review for you guys.
Tubi sure has some balls to stream this original horror movie. It is not a bad movie by any means. But the imagery will take a couple weeks, or maybe months, to erase from my memory. Let me tell you, it’s not always what the mind conjures up that scares us the most. Sometimes the filmmaker puts it up front and center.
Match is not for the squeamish, and I don’t mean in regards to blood and gore. Blood and gore would be a walk in the park compared to this. Remember the article Attack of the Killer Dongs that I wrote? It is about horror movies displaying monstrous male genitalia instead of attractive dongs? Well, we can add this one to the list.
In short, Match is the bait and switch movie that will make you swear off internet dating. Forever.
Premature Love?
Match captures the hope and excitement a dating app promises you. You know what I’m talking about. The way your breath catches in your throat every time you hear the alert on your phone that you made a match. The warm and fuzzies you feel when you’re exchanging messages with someone new. The butterflies that flutter in your stomach when you arrive for that first date.
Paola (Humberly Gonzalez) experienced all of this when she made a 93% match with 30 year old Henry (Luke Volker). His messages melted away any concerns she had when she arrived at his house for their first dinner date. However, when the door opened it was not Henry who greeted her, but his mother (Dianne Simpson) …and it is here when the nightmare of a rollercoaster has officially left the platform.
The Meat and Potatoes
Soon into the movie the intentions of the mother and son duo are brought to light when Paola is introduced to the real Henry (Jacques Adriaansse). And in all honesty, he makes The Hunchback of Notre Dame’s Quasimodo look like the more attractive brother.
Upon emerging from the darkness of his room, Henry greets Paola with a rose. Who said chivalry is dead? Unfortunately Paola’s disgust has Henry forgoing the attempt at romance and resorting to Plan B. He literally drops his overalls around his feet and stumbles eagerly to his horrified date. This is all within the first 20 minutes, boys and girls.
If you’re brave enough to continue to watch, Match leaves you wondering who the more diabolical character is.
Soon the viewer realizes just how intent Henry’s mother is on having a grandchild. She even goes to the extent of giving him Viagra to ensure his performance when she lures his unsuspecting dates to the house. Not to mention a scene with an exchange between mother and son that had me suppressing a bit of vomit. Let’s just say, this mother is not afraid to lend a helping hand to a son in need.
The movie only continues to unravel scene by scene from here!
Grabbing the Industry by the Balls
Director Danishka Esterhazy certainly has some lady balls to make this movie, and I applaud her. Leave it to a woman to make the male audience squirm!
It’s safe to say Esterhazy knows her way around a penis. She directed the acclaimed television movie, I was Lorena Bobbitt.
For those who aren’t familiar with Lorena Bobbitt, she forcefully cut her husband’s penis off with a kitchen knife while he slept. She declared battered wife syndrome, and claimed her husband had abused her for years.
The television movie received multiple awards, including Best Director award from the Directors Guild of Canada. She also directed the 2021 remake of The Slumber Party Massacre.
If Esterhazy keeps moving in this direction, she is sure to give us some future scream queens!