Sometimes, like it or not, a horse with a broken leg needs to be shot and sadly the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is in desperate need of euthanasia if only to put us out of our misery.
Let’s face it, while the original remains a horror classic, its successors have been less than remarkable. The film gained an impressive remake back in 2003 and from there the franchise has just churned out action-based body horror after body horror with Leatherface being the central focus. But the quality of these films is as varied as the canon of Leatherface’s last name.
There have been eight films total in the Chainsaw oeuvre save this latest one from Netflix which premieres on Friday, February 18 in the U.S. Yeet! Right? Welcome to the Legendary years.
The movie stars Sarah Yarkin, Elsie Fisher, and Mark Burnham: the iconic monster originally created by Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel. Of course, there’s a bunch of red shirts for chainsaw fodder and a weird callback to the original as Sally (Olwen Fouéré) returns for the worst legacy character cameo I’ve ever seen. It’s not really a spoiler to reveal that. After your massive eye roll, you’ll thank me later for the hint. Plus it’s in the massively plot-holed trailer featuring a polaroid that shouldn’t exist.
I’m going to try and explain the plot, but if there was ever a more on-the-nose movie title in cinematic history this would be it. Also, it’s the same premise as any other in this series so get ready for redundancy.
A quartet of young adults in a Tesla (so modern!) are making their way to the state in the title, specifically, Harlow Texas, where for whatever reason Melody (Yarkin) has purchased a building —maybe the entire town (who knows?)—- as a historic renovation project.
A building in the lot is still being occupied by a woman squatter and her huge, mentally challenged ward. If you guessed who the latter is, congratulations you’ve just completed your course in banal screenwriting 101.
After the police are called to have the occupants removed there’s an accident and Leatherface is triggered into becoming his murderous old self out for revenge.
Cue the tour bus loaded with potential investors? Clean up crew? Party bus? Again, who knows. But they pull into town and there’s enough of them to justify the third noun in the movie’s title as Leatherface retrieves the second one.
So there you have it: the plot. Familiar right?
From here the movie just becomes your average slasher loaded with gore. There’s no character development, there’s no irony, there’s no cohesiveness. It’s about as empty as the ghost town they’re in. Keep in mind this is meant to be a direct sequel to the original.
That being said, the gore effects are pretty impressive. Each kill outdoes the last and there’s a massive bus massacre sequence that is the film’s one true showstopper.
The two female leads do well in acting (or reacting) to the actions they’re given. But don’t expect much because their shining moments come in the third act which is still a lot of running and screaming.
Director David Blue Garcia is obviously dealing fan service, but even that is unbelievably flawed. There’s no dead armadillo throwback, no window jumping scene, no ground-level track shot, no pre-credits disclaimer scroll. C’mon man, give us one “a-ha!” moment.
There is a nostalgic John Larroquette voiceover that’s highly appreciated.
The real star here is cinematographer Ricardo Diaz who seems to understand the assignment. His gorgeous shots of a dead sunflower field are haunting and surreal. He gives life to this lackluster film and his action shots are gold-star film work.
Most people are going to be talking about the ending; an indelible punch with enough shock it’s going to sit with you for a while. It’s a bold move and a good one, it’s just sad it comes minutes before the credits roll.
Overall body horror fans and splatter hounds are going to appreciate Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There’s a certain genius behind the visuals and choreography.
But in retrospect, this film, although not the worst in the series, has no essence. It’s a bunch of realized storyboards that make no sense in narrative form. Forget about homage, forget about canon and forget about anything fresh. It’s sadly just not here.
It feels as though the filmmakers are the kinds of people who fast forward through the character development parts of a film to get to the action sequences.
I feel as though Scream fans were afraid this treatment was going to happen to the latest film in that series. Thankfully that didn’t happen.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) is likely to rank near the bottom of most people’s lists in this series. With a new studio and plans for more sequels, let’s hope it’s all uphill from here.
Header image: Yana Blajeva