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Forgotten Holiday Horror: Elves

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Christmas certainly has a slew of holiday horror films to choose from, even more so than Halloween. You have your better knowns, like the Silent Night, Deadly Night series and Gremlins, some darker and underrated tales like Christmas Evil or something more recent and humorous like Santa’s Slay. But the one nobody ever talks about or even wants to think about is Elves, a movie about a woman who finds out she is part of an evil (as opposed to good) Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves in an attempt to create a race of superhumans, so she teams up with some buddies and a renegade department store Santa to take them on! Um… what!? Seriously, that sounds like the type of exploitation flick fans would go crazy over. This has all fixings of what sounds to be the most bat-shit crazy movie ever, so where did they go wrong?

Well in a way, they didn’t. You shouldn’t expect a movie like this to be some sort of horror masterpiece. I mean, the thing is about a Nazi elf. We aren’t exactly making the Schindler’s List of horror films here. Before I go any further, let’s take a closer look at it.

Spilled blood on sacred grounds seems to be the root of all problems, amirite? Teenage Kristen accidentally cuts her hand during an Anti-Christmas pagan ritual with her friends Brooke and Amy. Wouldn’t you know it, the spilled blood awakens what is called on the film’s Wiki page (yes, it actually has one) “an ancient demonic Christmas elf.” With nothing better to do, being an evil elf and all, it begins following Kristen around while she goes about her job waitressing at the local mall. This is where the elf kills the mall Santa so the film can introduce the true hero of the film, Mike McGavin played by Dan Haggerty… you know, Grizzly FREAKIN’ Adams! Mike is a washed up detective turned alcoholic who has recently been evicted from his trailer, so you know this character is ripe with all kinds of cliche goodness. Being homeless now, Dan holes up in the mall during closing time and overhears Kristen and her friends who are waiting for their boyfriends so they can party all night.

Wait a second; a group of girls sneak into a mall at night to party with their boyfriends, unbeknownst to them the evils that await? Sounds an awfully lot like Chopping Mall, yeah? Sorry, no killer robots here. Just a killer elf. Not Elves. Singular.

It’s then that a group of Nazi’s show up and reveal Kristen’s secret and what they plan to do with her, so that the master race may be recreated and take over the world. Kristen teams up with Mike, her oddly perverted brother (who peeps on her while in the shower… let that sink in), and her grandmother, learns the secret to her past and puts a stop to the Nazi’s plan and elf once and for all, with an ending that makes Leprechaun look dull in comparison! It’s the classic, traditional Christmas tale to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside for the holidays. However, I could sit here and nitpick that a movie called Elves features only one elf, but I think there is plenty more to nitpick at here, so let’s go ahead and do that.

After all of that, how could you not want to see this? It’s a film that doesn’t have one of the horror/action movie cliches… no, they try to fit just about all of them in here! It’s like they had too many ideas and tried to cram them all in, but it works. You have evil Nazi’s, an ancient demon being summoned, a drunk-ex cop turned mall Santa and a girl with a secret past to stop it all. Most films would fall apart, but Elves manages to keep it all together. Never at any point does it feel bloated or like too much is going on. I know, surprising, right?

I’ve been talking a lot about this elf, so how does he look? Being a film from 1989, it looks fairly decent… for the first few minutes you see him, then you start to realize how cheap and goofy it looks, you’ll start comparing it to the titular creatures of Hobgoblins. When we aren’t seeing the elf’s arms or whatnot through a POV and you actually see his face, you’ll laugh at his seemingly stuck expression that looks like he is permanently in mid sneeze. It’s a low budget film, so you have to expect some cheese, which the film is ripe with. Everything in this movie is over the top and ridiculous, which I’m sure you gathered from reading this. Performances are just right amount of exaggeration you would expect from a movie like this, as if the actors knew what kind of film they were making and figured, “Eh, may as well go all out!” Kristen is played fairly well, but everyone else seems to be going over the top or phoning it in, like her grandparents playing broad stereotypes. The two girls that play her friends never acted again, which will make sense when you see this. One of my favorites is Kristen’s nonchalantly needlessly and overly cruel mother. The actress plays this role like she is playing a Bond villain and I was expecting her to be part of the evil Nazi’s. The icing on the cake is Dan Haggerty, who plays out just as great as you would expecting Grizzly Adams playing a drunken mall Santa would. He puts everything he has into this role, like he imagined this being his breakthrough performance. His job is to mostly point out the obvious so you can see how stupid it truly is, but it only makes this film that much more enjoyable. As much as I hate this expression, it really is a film that is ‘so bad it’s good’. This is the kind of film that doesn’t even have the film poster up on its IMDB page, like they are ashamed.

There are very few opportunities in life that you will find yourself being able to say, “I saw a movie where Grizzly Adams dresses up like Santa Claus and fights an ancient, evil Nazi elf.” When this opportunity comes along, I urge you to take it. Currently, and sadly, the film is not available on DVD and the VHS goes for about $10, but you can watch the movie in the video below. Merry Christmas, I present to you one of the goofiest and yet most awesome premises a film has to offer ever.

[youtube id=”QiDKup32jGY”]

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The Pope’s Exorcist Officially Announces New Sequel

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The Pope’s Exorcist is one of those films that’s just fun to watch. It isn’t the most terrifying film around, but there’s something about Russel Crow (Gladiator) playing a wise cracking Catholic priest that just feels right.

Screen Gems seems to agree with this assessment, as they have just officially announced that The Pope’s Exorcist sequel is in the works. It makes sense that Screen Gems would want to keep this franchise going, considering the first film scared up almost $80 million with a budget of only $18 million.

The Pope's Exorcist
The Pope’s Exorcist

According to Crow, there may even be a The Pope’s Exorcist trilogy in the works. However, recent changes with the studio may have put the third film on hold. In a sit-down with The Six O’Clock Show, Crow gave the following statement about the project.

“Well that’s in discussion at the moment. The producers originally got the kick off from the studio not just for one sequel but for two. But there’s been a change of studio heads at the moment, so that’s going around in a few circles. But very definitely, man. We set that character up that you could take him out and put him into a lot of different circumstances.”

Crow has also stated that film’s source material involves twelve separate books. This would allow the studio to take the story in all kinds of directions. With that much source material, The Pope’s Exorcist could even rival The Conjuring Universe.

Only the future will tell what becomes of The Pope’s Exorcist. But as always, more horror is always a good thing.

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New ‘Faces of Death’ Remake Will Be Rated R For “Strong Bloody Violence and Gore”

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In a move that should surprise absolutely no one, the Faces of Death reboot has been given an R rating from the MPA. Why has the film been given this rating? For strong bloody violence, gore, sexual content, nudity, language, and drug use, of course.

What else would you expect from a Faces of Death reboot? It would honestly be alarming if the film received anything less than an R rating.

Faces of death
Faces of Death

For those unaware, the original Faces of Death film released in 1978 and promised viewers video evidence of real deaths. Of course, this was just a marketing gimmick. Promoting a real snuff film would be a terrible idea.

But the gimmick worked, and franchise lived on in infamy. The Faces of Death reboot is hoping to gain the same amount of viral sensation as its predecessor. Isa Mazzei (Cam) and Daniel Goldhaber (How to Blow Up a Pipeline) will spearhead this new addition.

The hope is that this reboot will do well enough to recreate the infamous franchise for a new audience. While we don’t know much about the film at this point, but a joint statement from Mazzei and Goldhaber gives us the following info on the plot.

“Faces of Death was one of the first viral video tapes, and we are so lucky to be able to use it as a jumping off point for this exploration of cycles of violence and the way they perpetuate themselves online.”

“The new plot revolves around a female moderator of a YouTube-like website, whose job is to weed out offensive and violent content and who herself is recovering from a serious trauma, that stumbles across a group that is recreating the murders from the original film. But in the story primed for the digital age and age of online misinformation, the question faced is are the murders real or fake?”

The reboot will have some bloody shoes to fill. But from the looks of it, this iconic franchise is in good hands. Unfortunately, the film does not have a release date at this time.

That’s all the information we have at this time. Make sure to check back here for more news and updates.

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Panic Fest 2024 Review: ‘The Ceremony Is About To Begin’

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People will look for answers and belonging in the darkest places and the darkest people. The Osiris Collective is a commune predicated upon ancient Egyptian theology and was run by the mysterious Father Osiris. The group boasted dozens of members, each forgoing their old lives for one held in the Egyptian themed land owned by Osiris in Northern California. But the good times take a turn for the worst when in 2018, an upstart member of the collective named Anubis (Chad Westbrook Hinds) reports Osiris disappearing while mountain climbing and declaring himself the new leader. A schism ensued with many members leaving the cult under Anubis’ unhinged leadership. A documentary is being made by a young man named Keith (John Laird) whose fixation with The Osiris Collective stems from his girlfriend Maddy leaving him for the group several years ago. When Keith gets invited to document the commune by Anubis himself, he decides to investigate, only to get wrapped up in horrors he couldn’t even imagine…

The Ceremony Is About To Begin is the latest genre twisting horror film from Red Snow‘s Sean Nichols Lynch. This time tackling cultist horror along with a mockumentary style and the Egyptian mythology theme for the cherry on top. I was a big fan of Red Snow‘s subversiveness of the vampire romance sub-genre and was excited to see what this take would bring. While the movie has some interesting ideas and a decent tension between the meek Keith and the erratic Anubis, it just doesn’t exactly thread everything together in a succinct fashion.

The story begins with a true crime documentary style interviewing former members of The Osiris Collective and sets-up what led the cult to where it is now. This aspect of the storyline, especially Keith’s own personal interest in the cult, made it an interesting plotline. But aside from some clips later on, it doesn’t play as much a factor. The focus is largely on the dynamic between Anubis and Keith, which is toxic to put it lightly. Interestingly, Chad Westbrook Hinds and John Lairds are both credited as writers on The Ceremony Is About To Begin and definitely feel like they’re putting their all into these characters. Anubis is the very definition of a cult leader. Charismatic, philosophical, whimsical, and threateningly dangerous at the drop of a hat.

Yet strangely, the commune is deserted of all cult members. Creating a ghost town that only amps up the danger as Keith documents Anubis’ alleged utopia. A lot of the back and forth between them drags at times as they struggle for control and Anubis keeps continuing to convince Keith to stick around despite the threatening situation. This does lead to a pretty fun and bloody finale that fully leans into mummy horror.

Overall, despite meandering and having a bit of a slow pace, The ceremony Is About To Begin is a fairly entertaining cult, found footage, and mummy horror hybrid. If you want mummies, it delivers on mummies!

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