News
The 10 Horror Movies You Would Totally Survive (Part Two)
Last week we discussed the first five horror movies that you would totally survive, because, let’s face it, most of us would not be one of the few characters left alive at the end of our favorite horror films. This week we take a look at the second set of five horror films which, thanks to your savvy horror movie knowledge, and common sense, you would probably get through to see a happy ending or at least an ending where you are not horribly mauled, eaten, or stabbed.
Be warned: some light spoilers to follow:
The Ring (2002):
This one is pretty straightforward:
Friend: You need to see this crazy video!
You: Alright cool, send me the link.
Friend: No, it is this freaky, unmarked VHS tape.
You: (Bursting out laughing) VHS tape? Sorry Balki Bartokomous, I don’t have a VCR. I can’t believe you still have a tape player…a tape player that works!
Friend: ….yeah.
You: You’re such a hipster. Oh hey, you should come over when you’re done work, I just got my new surround sound hooked into my HDTV and PS4. Don’t worry though, we’ll watch something from the 1980s on Netflix so you feel at home.
Sure, your friend is dead in under a week from being terrified by the embodiment of loneliness, rage, and smallpox (read the books folks), but you will survive because you are like most of the rest of the western world and only have disc players and video streaming services. I suppose if you do still have the old VCR, it is for those classic horrors you love which are not on DVD/Blu-ray yet. Like The Carpenter…(you know, because he builds terror).
The Shining (1980):
This is definitely a horror film that most would survive. Out of the three main characters, two of them make it out of the movie alive, so we are looking, at worst, at a two to one shot of getting through The Shining traumatized, but relatively unharmed. However, there are a few things that would definitely improve your odds in case you are the one the Overlook Hotel tries to drive crazy:
First, if you are a recovering alcoholic with a struggling marriage and a young son who is seeing a psychiatrist because he probably has ESP, six months of isolation is probably not the best idea for you. You want to write a novel over winter? OK, have you thought about setting up a writing room at home or taking a job that allows you to write that does not require you to be isolated? For example, night watchman at a shoe factory; there are very few people out there who are going to break in to steal shoes in winter: the steps into the factory are metal and they do not have shoes.
Well, let’s say that you are going to take the job (again, hopefully with a rock-solid relationship), bring some things with you to keep cabin fever at bay. If we ignore everything that would help keep us sane today, like video games, laptops, cell phones, iPods, e-readers etc. and work off of what was available at the time, those endowed with common sense would think ahead and bring some crossword puzzle books, jigsaw puzzles, hobbies, crafts, and board games. The Shining would have been a completely different movie if the family had played Dungeons and Dragons twice a week to reconnect:
“Tony says he casts fireball at the were-owl”
“It hits for 18 damage, well done Tony”
“Thanks, Mr. Torrance”.
Do you not like board games? Watch the TV in your residence’s living room and bring a VCR with a box of tapes for when there is nothing on. Knit. Do a 3000-piece jigsaw puzzle of the Universal Movie Monsters. Hell, take up cross-country skiing; trust me, if you spend a morning cross-country skiing, no matter what Lloyd says, you will be too tired to kill your family.
Barring all of that, let us say you are still getting pressured by ghosts to do evil things to your family. Before you grab the ax, just work to avoid Room 237 and the other ghosts who are pressuring you (remember what mom said: “If they’re pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, they are not your friends”) and have a conversation with the people you brought with you. This is when that good relationship really pays off as you can calm down and ground yourself back in reality by taking the time to talk to them about random stuff, like how they should join you cross-country skiing, or how badly you want an all blood-red and white bathroom at home.
The Blair Witch Project (1999) & Most of the Found Footage Films:
This common-sense “surviving the horror movie” idea applies to essentially every “found-footage” horror film out there:
Put. The camera. Down.
You immediately become useful, and 95% more likely to survive whatever situation you have found yourself in, rather than an irritant to those who are actually trying to deal with the situation. Sure, it might not help you survive as much as not owning a VCR, or learning to whittle, as from here on out the Blair Witch situation would require you to have common sense and some skill in walking in a straight line, but at a certain point, it is time to put the camera away and focus on getting out of the woods.
Or, say you are making a zombie film and suddenly a real zombie outbreak starts (again, as I said in Part One, most of us are dead in a zombie outbreak, but stick with me on this): put the camera down and focus on helping your friends stay alive. Help arm the group by crafting weapons, hit some zombies in the head, or think up some post ‘zombie kill’ puns. Literally, anything is better than standing 10 feet away from everyone saying: “wow” and “what is happening?” Do you know how you might find out what is happening, camera guy? By doing things. At the very, very least contribute your expertise of pointing at stuff and point out the approaching zombies to your actually useful friends, who will deal with them for you. Then all of you have a better chance of getting out of there alive than you even will if you keep filming things and yelling obvious statements.
At the end of the day, for most of us “going on a witch hunt” or “investigating witches in the woods” is now code for a bush party. Perhaps those students just got lost and mad at each other because they missed a rager, and they keep getting freaked out by the drunken kids who found out about these ‘filmmakers’ missing the party and chose to terrorize them on a dare the revelers, in a drunken haze, do not remember anymore. That makes as much sense as anything else in The Blair Witch Project.
The Exorcist (1974):
You would totally survive one of the best (if not the best) horror movie ever made in this way:
Do not get possessed by Pazuzu.
Think about it, despite the fact that this is still the best exorcism film, bar none, and one of the scariest films ever made, there are only two people who are possessed. Only one of them dies, and the other one who dies is the old priest who tries to exorcise the demon, which in any case, you are probably not going to be doing.
For the sake of argument then, let’s say that two people are killed because of the possession in The Exorcist. The population of the world was roughly 4 billion in 1974, which means that you have a 0.0000005% chance of dying.
Statistically, you have a better chance (0.000024%) of being eaten by ravenous, satanic hamsters.
Pet Semetary (1989):
OK, you move into a nice, small town with your family to get away from the big city and you befriend a wordy, but a kind old man who lives in town and warns you that there may be something supernatural about the cemetery (you know, with the quaint misspelling that makes it seem folksy) plotted in a Native American burial ground. Sure, maybe you do not believe him at first, and then you meet your dead, now zombie student who warns you of the same thing.
Man/Woman of science are ye? Alright, you do not believe all this supernatural “mumbo-jumbo”. Then let’s say your daughter’s cat gets hit by a car and you think: “well, clearly this Micmac burial ground is the place to bury it: look at all the other things buried here! And, if it (scoff) comes back to life (snort), then I don’t have to buy a new cat and pretend it’s Church (that’s the cat name in Pet Semetary) ”.
Well good, the cat came back, and is only evil most of the time, so that isn’t too bad…and now I have this dead son…
Do you see where this is going? At a certain point, maybe it is time to stop burying things in that cemetery just so you can see what happens. What’s that? Does nothing happen when you stop burying things where all the evil comes from? Oh perfect, guess you can just go back to work.
Eventually, I would like to think a savvy person like you would either accept the fact that everyone is telling you not to do the same thing that already went horribly wrong for everyone else (learning from history, so you are not doomed to repeat it) and grieve for your tragedy and/or move. Do you know how many small, quaint towns there are? Find another one when you are ready to try and start afresh. Picking a town where you will not be tempted to play God and try and resurrect your dead son and/or wife is always a good idea.
If you cannot pass up the opportunity; your grief is too strong, or you have gone a little crazy with hope and sadness to be deterred by that cat keeps which keeps attacking people and your plan is to keep burying dead relatives there until one of them comes back nice, fine. At least buy a shotgun:
You: You evil and crazy?
Undead relative: No
You: Then what is the knife for?
Undead relative: I…made brownies…for you…
You: And where are they?
Undead Relative: Uhhhh…
*BLAM*
Then you can bury them again and see what comes back this time; fingers crossed!
That is all 10 folks! Let me know what you think about having a bright red bathroom, a VCR (and what you are still watching on it), or if there are any horror movies out there that you think you would totally survive in the comments below.
Listen to the 'Eye On Horror Podcast'
Movies
‘The Strangers’ Invaded Coachella in Instagramable PR Stunt
Renny Harlin’s reboot of The Strangers isn’t coming out until May 17, but those murderous home invaders are making a pit stop at Coachella first.
In the latest Instagramable PR stunt, the studio behind the film decided to have the trio of masked intruders crash Coachella, a music festival that takes place for two weekends in Southern California.
This type of publicity began when Paramount did the same thing with their horror movie Smile in 2022. Their version had seemingly ordinary people in populated places look directly into a camera with an evil grin.
Harlin’s reboot is actually a trilogy with a more expansive world than that of the original.
“When setting out to remake The Strangers, we felt there was a bigger story to be told, which could be as powerful, chilling, and terrifying as the original and could really expand that world,” said producer Courtney Solomon. “Shooting this story as a trilogy allows us to create a hyperreal and terrifying character study. We’re fortunate to be joining forces with Madelaine Petsch, an amazing talent whose character is the driving force of this story.”
The movie follows a young couple (Madelaine Petsch and Froy Gutierrez) who “after their car breaks down in an eerie small town, are forced to spend the night in a remote cabin. Panic ensues as they are terrorized by three masked strangers who strike with no mercy and seemingly no motive in The Strangers: Chapter 1 the chilling first entry of this upcoming horror feature film series.”
The Strangers: Chapter 1 opens in theaters on May 17.
Listen to the 'Eye On Horror Podcast'
Movies
‘Alien’ Returning to Theaters For a Limited Time
It’s been 45 years since Ridley Scott’s Alien hit theaters and in celebration of that milestone, it is headed back to the big screen for a limited time. And what better day to do that than Alien Day on April 26?
It also works as a primer for the upcoming Fede Alvarez sequel Alien: Romulus opening on August 16. A special feature in which both Alvarez and Scott discuss the original sci-fi classic will be shown as a part of your theater admission. Take a look at the preview of that conversation below.
Back in 1979, the original trailer for Alien was kind of terrifying. Imagine sitting in front of a CRT TV (Cathode Ray Tube) at night and suddenly Jerry Goldsmith’s haunting score begins to play as a giant chicken egg starts to crack with beams of light bursting through the shell and the word “Alien” slowly forms in slanted all caps across the screen. To a twelve-year-old, it was a scary pre-bedtime experience, especially Goldsmith’s screaming electronic musical flourishes playing over scenes of the actual movie. Let the “Is it horror or sci-fi?” debate begin.
Alien became a pop culture phenomenon, complete with kid’s toys, a graphic novel, and an Academy Award for Best Visual Effects. It also inspired dioramas in wax museums and even a frightening setpiece at Walt Disney World in the now-defunct Great Movie Ride attraction.
The film stars Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, and John Hurt. It tells the tale of a futuristic crew of blue-collar workers suddenly awakened out of stasis to investigate an undecipherable distress signal coming from a nearby moon. They investigate the source of the signal and discover it’s a warning and not a cry for help. Unbeknownst to the crew, they have brought a giant space creature back on board which they find out in one of the most iconic scenes in cinema history.
It is said that Alvarez’s sequel will pay homage to the original film’s storytelling and set design.
The Alien theatrical re-release will take place on April 26. Pre-order your tickets and find out where Alien will screen at a theater near you.
Listen to the 'Eye On Horror Podcast'
News
Home Depot’s 12-Foot Skeleton Returns with a New Friend, Plus New Life-Size Prop from Spirit Halloween
Halloween is the greatest holiday of them all. However, every great holiday needs amazing props to go with it. Luckily for you, there are two new amazing props that have been released, which are sure to impress your neighbors and frighten any neighborhood children who are unfortunate enough to wander past your yard.
The first entry is the return of the Home Depot 12-foot skeleton prop. Home Depot has outdone themselves in the past. But this year the company is bringing bigger and better things to their Halloween prop lineup.
This year, the company unveiled its new and improved Skelly. But what is a giant skeleton without a loyal friend? Home Depot has also announced that they will release a five-foot tall skeleton dog prop to eternally keep Skelly company as he haunts your yard this spooky season.
This bony pooch will be five feet tall and seven feet long. The prop will also feature a posable mouth and LCD eyes with eight variable settings. Lance Allen, Home Depot’s merchant of decorative Holliday gear, had the following to say about this year’s lineup.
“This year we increased our realism within the animatronics category, created some impressive, licensed characters and even brought back some fan favorites. Overall, we are most proud of the quality and value we are able to bring to our customers with these pieces so they can continue to grow their collections.”
But what if giant skeletons just aren’t your thing? Well, Spirit Halloween has you covered with their giant life size Terror Dog replica. This massive prop has been ripped out of your nightmares to appear frighteningly on your lawn.
This prop weighs in at almost fifty pounds and features glowing red eyes that are sure to keep your yard safe from any toilet paper throwing hooligans. This iconic Ghostbusters nightmare is a must have for any fan of 80s horror. Or, anyone who loves all things spooky.
Listen to the 'Eye On Horror Podcast'
-
Trailers6 days ago
James McAvoy Captivates in the New Trailer for ‘Speak No Evil’ [Trailer]
-
Trailers5 days ago
Watch the trailer for ‘Under Paris,’ the movie people are calling ‘French Jaws’ [Trailer]
-
Movies5 days ago
Ernie Hudson To Star In ‘Oswald: Down The Rabbit Hole’
-
News5 days ago
Paramount and Miramax Team Up to Reboot the “Scary Movie” Franchise
-
News2 days ago
Read Reviews For ‘Abigail’ The Latest From Radio Silence
-
Editorial3 days ago
Rob Zombie’s Directorial Debut Was Almost ‘The Crow 3’
-
News1 day ago
This Horror Film Just Derailed a Record Held by ‘Train to Busan’
-
News2 days ago
Melissa Barrera Says Her ‘Scream’ Contract Never Included a Third Movie
You must be logged in to post a comment Login