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The Movie Monsters That Ruined Your Childhood

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I was never taught ‘Stranger Danger’ when I was a kid. After the first few years spent raising an overly obnoxious child, my parents seemed to adopt a very “que sera, sera” attitude with regards to my health and safety. I was so busy being a walking ball of annoyance myself, that I don’t think I ever realized what true terror was until I was introduced to movie monsters that were decidedly different than the kooks Scooby-Doo routinely tangled with.

I know, I know. People are scary because they’re real. But for me, and I’m sure plenty of other horror fans out there, the scariest stars will always be the unknown, un-nameable things. The things that never were and never will be human. This list is for those who both delight and despair in our creature features, and who know exactly what I mean when I say I check under my bed every night praying the noise I heard was simply an axe murderer and there will only be two eyes staring back at me.

Let’s take a look at some of the stuff that kills childhood.

It

pennywise

 

Pennywise is an obvious choice when talking about the destruction of childhood, what with his main choice of victim being children and all. Clowns are pretty damn ass scary on their own, but Pennywise is no ordinary clown. It knows what you fear most, and It gleefully takes advantage of that in the most horrifying of ways. As the movie or book (pick your medium) progresses into terrifying madness, I don’t think anyone was surprised that Stan took his own life rather than again face Pennywise the Clown/Bob Gray/Eater of Worlds–It.

The Thing

thething

 

Definitely one that makes you want to barricade yourself in your house for a decade or two. The Thing’s ability to replicate is unnerving to say the least, and the idea of not being able to trust anyone who isn’t actively sporting an earring or blatantly showcasing their fillings makes me sweat. Plus, it isn’t like the killings in this movie are quick and efficient! There’s a good amount of blood and pain and fire and darkness ’cause they’re in Antarctica and ugh just talking about The Thing gets my heart rate up so high that I’m ready to move on right now.

Gremlins

deargodsaveus

 

“But that’s not even a horror movie!” I can already hear the indignant taps of your fingers typing out the most obvious complaint to this choice. Well, IMDB classifies this as a horror, and that’s good enough for me, because to this day, Gremlins is the ONLY movie I cannot watch. Just thinking about having to add a picture to this one is making me feel physically ill. There is something so unspeakably wrong about those freakin’ creatures that I just do not understand how dumbass Billy took one look at Gizmo and didn’t throw him in the fireplace. Yeah, that’s right. I don’t find anything about Gizmo cute and fluffy, and frankly every character’s inability to see what obvious Hell spawn these things were right from the get-go makes me wish the whole cast was killed off. Because that’s how people learn.

Pazuzu

reganexorcist

There’s no lack of demons to pick from, but I felt the demon that (arguably) started it all was the best choice. For some reason, I’ve met more than a handful of horror fans that cited ‘The Exorcist’ as their very first horror movie. Lax parenting, I tell ya.  Besides being such a significant film genre- and studio-wise, the demon from ‘The Exorcist’ is one of the more intense demons I’ve ever seen portrayed. The staircase scene from ‘Annabelle’ had a lot of us on the edge of our seat, and that jump scare in ‘Insidious’ with the demon face elicited gasps from around the theater, but in what other movie have you seen a possessed child do the things Regan did? Masturbating with the crucifix and then shoving her mother’s face into the blood….that’s hardcore, especially for a movie from 1973.

Cujo

cujo

I didn’t know how to feel when I finally sat down and watched this movie. I love dogs! Love dogs, hate people, this should have been right up my alley. But wow…Cujo was maybe a tad scary? I mean, put yourself in Donna’s shoes and suddenly you’re faced with man’s best friend being completely unfriendly, and that is confusing stuff. It’s like eating so much ice cream you throw up, and you’re like, “hey man, wait a second. Ice cream isn’t supposed to do that.”

Jaws

jaws

Whether you have a natural (and entirely healthy, thank you very much) fear of sharks or not, Jaws is a scary son of a bitch! You can’t deny this movie had a powerful effect on audiences. With over 67 million Americans seeing ‘Jaws’ the summer it was released, the first blockbuster was affecting up to 43% of viewers with a long standing fear of the ocean. If you can go swimming without hearing the iconic, ominous score playing in your head, congratulations; you’re a freak who’s never seen the movie.

The Blob

theblob

I just have to throw this one out there–I had issues with bubblegum for a long time after seeing this. I know The Blob was not bubblegum, I know bubblegum cannot turn around and chew ME…but I was a kid, ok?

Alien

alienfacegrabber

Always a fun one, and always a title that inevitably comes up when people discuss their most traumatic childhood movie. I’m not saying it wasn’t good, I’m saying it was so good that the long lasting effects of that chest-burster scene are the reason I don’t have any kids. A parasite growing inside me until it becomes too big and forces its way out? No thanks; I saw what happened to Kane.

This list is by no means all inclusive (I had one shamefaced suggestion for ‘Leprechaun,’ but I assume after ‘Gremlins’ made the list my credibility is already fast declining), but these are certainly the monsters that instilled in me the practice of checking my closet every night before I get into bed. I hope, for your sake, you’ll do the same tonight.

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Thrills and Chills: Ranking ‘Radio Silence’ Films from Bloody Brilliant to Just Bloody

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Radio Silence Films

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett, and Chad Villella are all filmmakers under the collective label called Radio Silence. Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett are the primary directors under that moniker while Villella produces.

They have gained popularity over the past 13 years and their films have become known as having a certain Radio Silence “signature.” They are bloody, usually contain monsters, and have breakneck action sequences. Their recent film Abigail exemplifies that signature and is perhaps their best film yet. They are currently working on a reboot of John Carpenter’s Escape From New York.

We thought we would go through the list of projects they have directed and rank them from high to low. None of the movies and shorts on this list are bad, they all have their merits. These rankings from top to bottom are just ones we felt showcased their talents the best.

We didn’t include movies they produced but didn’t direct.

#1. Abigail

An update to the second film on this list, Abagail is the natural progression of Radio Silence’s love of lockdown horror. It follows in pretty much the same footsteps of Ready or Not, but manages to go one better — make it about vampires.

Abigail

#2. Ready or Not

This film put Radio Silence on the map. While not as successful at the box office as some of their other films, Ready or Not proved that the team could step outside their limited anthology space and create a fun, thrilling, and bloody adventure-length film.

Ready or Not

#3. Scream (2022)

While Scream will always be a polarizing franchise, this prequel, sequel, reboot — however you want to label it showed just how much Radio Silence knew the source material. It wasn’t lazy or cash-grabby, just a good time with legendary characters we love and new ones who grew on us.

Scream (2022)

#4 Southbound (The Way Out)

Radio Silence tosses their found footage modus operandi for this anthology film. Responsible for the bookend stories, they create a terrifying world in their segment titled The Way Out, which involves strange floating beings and some sort of time loop. It’s kind of the first time we see their work without a shaky cam. If we were to rank this entire film, it would remain at this position on the list.

Southbound

#5. V/H/S (10/31/98)

The film that started it all for Radio Silence. Or should we say the segment that started it all. Even though this isn’t feature-length what they managed to do with the time they had was very good. Their chapter was titled 10/31/98, a found-footage short involving a group of friends who crash what they think is a staged exorcism only to learn not to assume things on Halloween night.

V/H/S

#6. Scream VI

Cranking up the action, moving to the big city and letting Ghostface use a shotgun, Scream VI turned the franchise on its head. Like their first one, this film played with canon and managed to win over a lot of fans in its direction, but alienated others for coloring too far outside the lines of Wes Craven’s beloved series. If any sequel was showing how the trope was going stale it was Scream VI, but it managed to squeeze some fresh blood out of this nearly three-decade mainstay.

Scream VI

#7. Devil’s Due

Fairly underrated, this, Radio Silence’s first feature-length film, is a sampler of things they took from V/H/S. It was filmed in an omnipresent found footage style, showcasing a form of possession, and features clueless men. Since this was their first bonafide major studio job it’s a wonderful touchstone to see how far they have come with their storytelling.

Devil’s Due

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Perhaps the Scariest, Most Disturbing Series of The Year

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You may have never heard of Richard Gadd, but that will probably change after this month. His mini-series Baby Reindeer just hit Netflix and it’s a terrifying deep dive into abuse, addiction, and mental illness. What is even scarier is that it’s based on Gadd’s real-life hardships.

The crux of the story is about a man named Donny Dunn played by Gadd who wants to be a stand-up comedian, but it’s not working out so well thanks to stage fright stemming from his insecurity.

One day at his day job he meets a woman named Martha, played to unhinged perfection by Jessica Gunning, who is instantly charmed by Donny’s kindness and good looks. It doesn’t take long before she nicknames him “Baby Reindeer” and begins to relentlessly stalk him. But that is just the apex of Donny’s problems, he has his own incredibly disturbing issues.

This mini-series should come with a lot of triggers, so just be warned it is not for the faint of heart. The horrors here don’t come from blood and gore, but from physical and mental abuse that go beyond any physiological thriller you may have ever seen.

“It’s very emotionally true, obviously: I was severely stalked and severely abused,” Gadd said to People, explaining why he changed some aspects of the story. “But we wanted it to exist in the sphere of art, as well as protect the people it’s based on.”

The series has gained momentum thanks to positive word-of-mouth, and Gadd is getting used to the notoriety.

“It’s clearly struck a chord,” he told The Guardian. “I really did believe in it, but it’s taken off so quickly that I do feel a bit windswept.”

You can stream Baby Reindeer on Netflix right now.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org.

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The Original ‘Beetlejuice’ Sequel Had an Interesting Location

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beetlejuice in Hawaii Movie

Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s sequels to hit movies weren’t as linear as they are today. It was more like “let’s re-do the situation but in a different location.” Remember Speed 2, or National Lampoon’s European Vacation? Even Aliens, as good as it is, follows a lot of the plot points of the original; people stuck on a ship, an android, a little girl in peril instead of a cat. So it makes sense that one of the most popular supernatural comedies of all time, Beetlejuice would follow the same pattern.

In 1991 Tim Burton was interested in doing a sequel to his 1988 original, it was called Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian:

“The Deetz family moves to Hawaii to develop a resort. Construction begins, and it’s quickly discovered that the hotel will be sitting on top of an ancient burial ground. Beetlejuice comes in to save the day.”

Burton liked the script but wanted some re-writes so he asked then-hot screenwriter Daniel Waters who had just got done contributing to Heathers. He passed on the opportunity so producer David Geffen offered it to Troop Beverly Hills scribe Pamela Norris to no avail.

Eventually, Warner Bros. asked Kevin Smith to punch up Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, he scoffed at the idea, saying, “Didn’t we say all we needed to say in the first Beetlejuice? Must we go tropical?”

Nine years later the sequel was killed. The studio said Winona Ryder was now too old for the part and an entire re-cast needed to happen. But Burton never gave up, there were a lot of directions he wanted to take his characters, including a Disney crossover.

“We talked about lots of different things,” the director said in Entertainment Weekly. “That was early on when we were going, Beetlejuice and the Haunted MansionBeetlejuice Goes West, whatever. Lots of things came up.”

Fast-forward to 2011 when another script was pitched for a sequel. This time the writer of Burton’s Dark Shadows,  Seth Grahame-Smith was hired and he wanted to make sure the story wasn’t a cash-grabbing remake or reboot. Four years later, in 2015, a script was approved with both Ryder and Keaton saying they would return to their respective roles. In 2017 that script was revamped and then eventually shelved in 2019.

During the time the sequel script was being tossed around in Hollywood, in 2016 an artist named Alex Murillo posted what looked like one-sheets for a Beetlejuice sequel. Although they were fabricated and had no affiliation with Warner Bros. people thought they were real.

Perhaps the virality of the artwork sparked interest in a Beetlejuice sequel once again, and finally, it was confirmed in 2022 Beetlejuice 2 had a green light from a script written by Wednesday writers  Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. The star of that series Jenna Ortega signed on to the new movie with filming starting in 2023. It was also confirmed that Danny Elfman would return to do the score.

Burton and Keaton agreed that the new film titled Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice wouldn’t rely on CGI or other other forms of technology. They wanted the film to feel “handmade.” The film wrapped in November 2023.

It’s been over three decades to come up with a sequel to Beetlejuice. Hopefully, since they said aloha to Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian there has been enough time and creativity to ensure Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice will not only honor the characters, but fans of the original.

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice will open theatrically on September 6.

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