It’s nearly Halloween again, and you know what that means — it’s officially the sexiest time of the year. I know I’m not alone when I say more things could use a few extra teeth in unexpected places! Let’s reflect on the absolute sexiest monster to ever grace our television screens (in no particular order). At iHorror, we never snooze on the ooze!

Note that we didn’t intentionally choose a bunch of male monsters; lady monsters are just really hard to find. For our male viewers who may be bothered by the lack of feminine horrors, we have included a female nipple or two, just for you!

The Amphibian Man (The Shape of Water)

He’s permanently wet, he has at least 16 abs, and he’s a great listener. What more could you ask for in a man? When The Shape of Water hit theaters in 2017, ladies everywhere found themselves fantasizing about dating a fish, running away with a fish, and settling in the ocean with a fish. Anything capable of generating such a visceral feeling must be truly magnetic and, honestly, I get it.

Give me gills, web my feet, and let’s sink to the bottom together. ❤️

Wolf Man

I like to think I present arguments which are fair and balanced. Yet as I sit here, I cannot think of even one negative aspect of the Wolf Man. He’s hairy, his nose is porcine, he’s hairy, those bottom teeth are giving, he’s hairy, and just look at those eyes. People look at you all the time, but how often do you really get to feel seen? Wolf Man sees you. Wolf Man sees us all.

I suppose if I really stretched for a critique, he might be a bit too much man, too little wolf. Am I a lover or am I dinner? If he were a little more animalistic, I truly wouldn’t know, and that would surely maximize my satisfaction.

Frankenstein(‘s Monster)

What if you could take the best qualities from all of your previous partners and glue them together into one super-partner? Couldn’t you build the perfect person? Dr. Frankenstein did exactly this, presumably because he wanted to date his creation. With a bit of lightning and a lot of mad genius, he was able to revive his love life. In this sense, Frankenstein is as much an inspirational drama as it is a romance.

Like Wolf Man, I fear Frankenstein’s monster might look a little too common. He could have been given any number of arms, three ears, and maybe even a third row of teeth. (Think of how much more you could chew with a third row of teeth!) Clearly the doctor is some sort of traditionalist. And to each their own; we don’t judge here.

The Pale Man (Pan’s Labyrinth)

There is an aesthetic obsession in our culture with smooth. Everyone wants to acquire smooth for themselves. People will spend hundreds of dollars each month on high-end lotions, serums, and injections just to briefly obtain smooth. We can only assume this collective love of all things smooth is the direct product of The Pale Man’s debut in the 2006 romance Pan’s Labyrinth.

And what’s not to like? His elegant form consists almost entirely of blanched flesh, separated only by the occasional fold and, of course, look at those gorgeous nose holes. Some may be shocked that his eyes are on his hands, but where else would you expect to find the eyes on such a sophisticated man? Certainly not on his butt! I have requested his information from Guillermo del Toro a number of times now and, each time, I haven’t heard back. If any of you know Guillermo, can you ask him for me? Maybe he just didn’t see my letters.

The Toxic Avenger

I love, love, love a man who can simultaneously look both too dry and too wet. The story goes that a weak, nothing kind of a man fell into a vat of toxic ooze one day and emerged looking like this. Kids these days are mewing, hammering their jaws, and systematically stretching their testicles to be beautiful when real beauty is actually just a few gallons of toxic ooze away.

He also pees acid. Green flags all around, eh?

Mutant Bear (Annihilation)

I’ve been hearing from my gay friends that “bears are very popular these days”, and I can totally see why. Surely there is no better example of the “sexy bear” phenomenon than the mutant bear from Annihilation (2018). For starters, he (she?) has at least four rows of teeth. The third row sits in his mouth (for utility), while the fourth row displays prominently on the side of his head (for fashion). And importantly, you can tell he’s strong. He might protect you or he might eat you, but he certainly won’t be turned into a rug.

Monstro Elisasue (The Substance)

The 2024 film The Substance is all about beauty. Not only did it tell an entertaining story, but it made a powerful social statement: that you’re not really beautiful until you have a third row of teeth embedded in your chest. Monstro has this gorgeous sort of shimmer that covers her body and an angelic glow that highlights her right breast and her numerous cranial bulges. What hair she has is styled in quite an elegant way, which I think speaks volumes about her character.

She is elegance. She is grace.

The Blob

We’ve saved the best for last — the sexiest monster in all of cinema and, probably, the sexiest living thing in any art form. (Sorry Timothy Chardonnay.) Allow me to tell you why The Blob is perfection.

Consider that people can be challenging. Your mother-in-law bickers. Your partner won’t flush after he pees. Your local politician tells you he wants to save the scrub-jay, then turns around and nukes the forest. People have negative qualities and these can be so annoying. But what if you removed these bad qualities? What if you removed… all… qualities? What would you be left with?

I’ll tell you what you’d be left with: a thing that doesn’t bicker, a thing that doesn’t pee, a thing that won’t commit genocide against endangered birds. You are left with The Blob, the perfect organism with the purest of physical forms. You are left with the comfort of a wet squish, a glistening glob, an irresistibly moist monster.

Relax. Let it envelop you. He will envelop all of us, eventually.