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Theatrical Review: Dracula Untold

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Some of you younger readers may not believe me when I type this, but there was a time, in the not so distant past, when the Universal Monsters were… monsters.

But the times they are a-changin’, as Bob Dylan once said. And the lines they are a-blurrin,’ as the son of the dad from Growing Pains more recently said.

Somewhere along the line, comic books and movies joined forces and became one mega box office power, the smash hit success of Marvel’s various adaptations, reboots, re-reboots, spin-offs and sequels ushering us all into the age of the superhero.

At this present moment in time, as I sit here typing what’s sure to be a review so long that most of you will give up 2/3 of the way through, superheroes are the reigning kings of the box office, and all the big studios are predictably hungry for their slice of that heroic pie.

The latest studio to jump on the superhero bandwagon is Universal, who recently announced they’ll be creating a Marvel-style universe for their iconic monsters. What that essentially means is that each monster will get his own film and then they’ll all eventually come together for one big ole monster mash, and whether you or I want that or not is as irrelevant to their agenda as what color underwear I’m rocking right now.

They’re black. I always wear black. Because it hides accidents.

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According to recent reports, Dracula Untold is the beginning of this shared Universal Monsters universe, the first of many monster reboots to come. A prequel that delves into the origin story of cinema’s most iconic vampire, this new take on the classic tale is set in 15th century Transylvania, ruled over by the once monstrous but now peaceful Prince Vlad (…the Impaler).

When the Turks threaten to destroy his land and murder his people, if he doesn’t agree to let his young son be taken and raised by them (F that noise), Prince Vlad (Luke Evans) finds hope in an ancient vampire who lives in darkness atop a creepy mountain with a cool-sounding name. Looking for the power to destroy his enemies and save his family, Vlad forces the vampire to turn him, drinking his blood from a crushed human skull.

If he doesn’t give in to his carnal desires to drink human blood in the next three days, Vlad will return to his normal life, after three days of being a super-powered badass. But if he can’t resist the urge, he will forever remain an immortal vampire. And that’s a problem and stuff. Especially when you’re really, really, really, ridiculously good looking.

Dracula Untold

Personally speaking, I’m not a fan of this trend of monsters being turned into wickedly handsome action heroes, and Dracula Untold is very much THAT movie. More than anything else, it plays out like the origin story of a superhero whose superpower happens to be that he has fangs and can turn into a shitload of CG bats. The name Dracula is in the title, this is true, but this aint the Dracula you know and love.

Hell, the only scene that made me feel like I was even watching a Universal monster movie was one where mob-like villagers pick up torches, and even that was more Frankenstein than Dracula.

But my issue with the film isn’t simply that it’s a bastardization of one of horror cinema’s most iconic monsters. No, my issue with the film is that it’s dull to the point of being almost entirely forgettable. Lacking a set of balls and devoid of any discernible personality, Dracula Untold is a vampire film that’s seriously lacking in the bite department, like a vamp whose fangs have been filed down so that he’ll be safe and palatable to the masses.

By portraying ole Vlad as a hero, rather than a monster, Dracula Untold loses a good portion of the inherent appeal that will surely draw many horror fans to the theater this weekend. The interesting thing about Dracula is that he’s a vicious, blood-drinking monster, and so it’s just not very interesting to watch a movie about a version of Dracula that’s not that. I simply don’t care about human Dracula, nor do I want to watch him while he’s awkwardly developing his flying skills.

I realize that this is an origin story we’re talking about, but something is seriously wrong when all that a franchise-starter is able to accomplish is making you wish you were instead watching the sequel. Since it’s immediately clear that Dracula is being painted as the handsome hero, you just know he’s not going to do anything villainous in this particular movie, which mostly sucks away any and all of the fun.

Just as this depiction of Vlad wishes to forget his dark side, so too does the movie wish to forget its titular monster’s, rendering Dracula Untold just another totally generic action spectacle. It’s safe at almost every turn, painfully so, and though some moderate entertainment is provided in the short 90 minute runtime, it’s simply not enough to make the movie anything more than utterly forgettable. It’s not a terrible movie. I just never really… cared.

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It’s a shame, really, because there seemingly is a decent horror movie lying underneath all the CG action and hard-to-tell-what’s-happening battle scenes. And that horror movie is sitting atop that aforementioned creepy mountain. The vampire that turns Vlad (above) is much more Dracula-like than Dracula himself, and the two main scenes the character is in are among the best in the film. Charles Dance is terrific in the role, and I frequently wished that I was watching a movie about his character, rather than Evans’.

Sadly, I was not.

Ironically enough, it’s Prince Vlad, in this very movie, who says at one point that the world doesn’t always need a hero – sometimes, it needs a monster. That line stuck out to me as I exited the theater last night, as it perfectly summed up the way I feel about Dracula Untold. We didn’t need a hero with this one, Universal. We needed a monster. And the fact that we didn’t get one leaves me with serious concerns about the future of this bold new universe.

At the end of the day, Dracula Untold is a decent enough set-up for what I imagine Universal is trying to do with that universe. In other words, it gets done what they were trying to get done. The problem is that I just don’t care for that universe that’s being established, which is a problem because I should by all means fall into the target audience of anything Universal Monsters-related… right?

Alas, it seems those iconic monsters just aren’t for me anymore, and that’s a realization that I can’t help but feel sad about.

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Thrills and Chills: Ranking ‘Radio Silence’ Films from Bloody Brilliant to Just Bloody

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Radio Silence Films

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett, and Chad Villella are all filmmakers under the collective label called Radio Silence. Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett are the primary directors under that moniker while Villella produces.

They have gained popularity over the past 13 years and their films have become known as having a certain Radio Silence “signature.” They are bloody, usually contain monsters, and have breakneck action sequences. Their recent film Abigail exemplifies that signature and is perhaps their best film yet. They are currently working on a reboot of John Carpenter’s Escape From New York.

We thought we would go through the list of projects they have directed and rank them from high to low. None of the movies and shorts on this list are bad, they all have their merits. These rankings from top to bottom are just ones we felt showcased their talents the best.

We didn’t include movies they produced but didn’t direct.

#1. Abigail

An update to the second film on this list, Abagail is the natural progression of Radio Silence’s love of lockdown horror. It follows in pretty much the same footsteps of Ready or Not, but manages to go one better — make it about vampires.

Abigail

#2. Ready or Not

This film put Radio Silence on the map. While not as successful at the box office as some of their other films, Ready or Not proved that the team could step outside their limited anthology space and create a fun, thrilling, and bloody adventure-length film.

Ready or Not

#3. Scream (2022)

While Scream will always be a polarizing franchise, this prequel, sequel, reboot — however you want to label it showed just how much Radio Silence knew the source material. It wasn’t lazy or cash-grabby, just a good time with legendary characters we love and new ones who grew on us.

Scream (2022)

#4 Southbound (The Way Out)

Radio Silence tosses their found footage modus operandi for this anthology film. Responsible for the bookend stories, they create a terrifying world in their segment titled The Way Out, which involves strange floating beings and some sort of time loop. It’s kind of the first time we see their work without a shaky cam. If we were to rank this entire film, it would remain at this position on the list.

Southbound

#5. V/H/S (10/31/98)

The film that started it all for Radio Silence. Or should we say the segment that started it all. Even though this isn’t feature-length what they managed to do with the time they had was very good. Their chapter was titled 10/31/98, a found-footage short involving a group of friends who crash what they think is a staged exorcism only to learn not to assume things on Halloween night.

V/H/S

#6. Scream VI

Cranking up the action, moving to the big city and letting Ghostface use a shotgun, Scream VI turned the franchise on its head. Like their first one, this film played with canon and managed to win over a lot of fans in its direction, but alienated others for coloring too far outside the lines of Wes Craven’s beloved series. If any sequel was showing how the trope was going stale it was Scream VI, but it managed to squeeze some fresh blood out of this nearly three-decade mainstay.

Scream VI

#7. Devil’s Due

Fairly underrated, this, Radio Silence’s first feature-length film, is a sampler of things they took from V/H/S. It was filmed in an omnipresent found footage style, showcasing a form of possession, and features clueless men. Since this was their first bonafide major studio job it’s a wonderful touchstone to see how far they have come with their storytelling.

Devil’s Due

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Perhaps the Scariest, Most Disturbing Series of The Year

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You may have never heard of Richard Gadd, but that will probably change after this month. His mini-series Baby Reindeer just hit Netflix and it’s a terrifying deep dive into abuse, addiction, and mental illness. What is even scarier is that it’s based on Gadd’s real-life hardships.

The crux of the story is about a man named Donny Dunn played by Gadd who wants to be a stand-up comedian, but it’s not working out so well thanks to stage fright stemming from his insecurity.

One day at his day job he meets a woman named Martha, played to unhinged perfection by Jessica Gunning, who is instantly charmed by Donny’s kindness and good looks. It doesn’t take long before she nicknames him “Baby Reindeer” and begins to relentlessly stalk him. But that is just the apex of Donny’s problems, he has his own incredibly disturbing issues.

This mini-series should come with a lot of triggers, so just be warned it is not for the faint of heart. The horrors here don’t come from blood and gore, but from physical and mental abuse that go beyond any physiological thriller you may have ever seen.

“It’s very emotionally true, obviously: I was severely stalked and severely abused,” Gadd said to People, explaining why he changed some aspects of the story. “But we wanted it to exist in the sphere of art, as well as protect the people it’s based on.”

The series has gained momentum thanks to positive word-of-mouth, and Gadd is getting used to the notoriety.

“It’s clearly struck a chord,” he told The Guardian. “I really did believe in it, but it’s taken off so quickly that I do feel a bit windswept.”

You can stream Baby Reindeer on Netflix right now.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org.

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The Original ‘Beetlejuice’ Sequel Had an Interesting Location

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beetlejuice in Hawaii Movie

Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s sequels to hit movies weren’t as linear as they are today. It was more like “let’s re-do the situation but in a different location.” Remember Speed 2, or National Lampoon’s European Vacation? Even Aliens, as good as it is, follows a lot of the plot points of the original; people stuck on a ship, an android, a little girl in peril instead of a cat. So it makes sense that one of the most popular supernatural comedies of all time, Beetlejuice would follow the same pattern.

In 1991 Tim Burton was interested in doing a sequel to his 1988 original, it was called Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian:

“The Deetz family moves to Hawaii to develop a resort. Construction begins, and it’s quickly discovered that the hotel will be sitting on top of an ancient burial ground. Beetlejuice comes in to save the day.”

Burton liked the script but wanted some re-writes so he asked then-hot screenwriter Daniel Waters who had just got done contributing to Heathers. He passed on the opportunity so producer David Geffen offered it to Troop Beverly Hills scribe Pamela Norris to no avail.

Eventually, Warner Bros. asked Kevin Smith to punch up Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, he scoffed at the idea, saying, “Didn’t we say all we needed to say in the first Beetlejuice? Must we go tropical?”

Nine years later the sequel was killed. The studio said Winona Ryder was now too old for the part and an entire re-cast needed to happen. But Burton never gave up, there were a lot of directions he wanted to take his characters, including a Disney crossover.

“We talked about lots of different things,” the director said in Entertainment Weekly. “That was early on when we were going, Beetlejuice and the Haunted MansionBeetlejuice Goes West, whatever. Lots of things came up.”

Fast-forward to 2011 when another script was pitched for a sequel. This time the writer of Burton’s Dark Shadows,  Seth Grahame-Smith was hired and he wanted to make sure the story wasn’t a cash-grabbing remake or reboot. Four years later, in 2015, a script was approved with both Ryder and Keaton saying they would return to their respective roles. In 2017 that script was revamped and then eventually shelved in 2019.

During the time the sequel script was being tossed around in Hollywood, in 2016 an artist named Alex Murillo posted what looked like one-sheets for a Beetlejuice sequel. Although they were fabricated and had no affiliation with Warner Bros. people thought they were real.

Perhaps the virality of the artwork sparked interest in a Beetlejuice sequel once again, and finally, it was confirmed in 2022 Beetlejuice 2 had a green light from a script written by Wednesday writers  Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. The star of that series Jenna Ortega signed on to the new movie with filming starting in 2023. It was also confirmed that Danny Elfman would return to do the score.

Burton and Keaton agreed that the new film titled Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice wouldn’t rely on CGI or other other forms of technology. They wanted the film to feel “handmade.” The film wrapped in November 2023.

It’s been over three decades to come up with a sequel to Beetlejuice. Hopefully, since they said aloha to Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian there has been enough time and creativity to ensure Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice will not only honor the characters, but fans of the original.

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice will open theatrically on September 6.

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