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The 10 Horror Movies You Would Totally Survive (Part Two)

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Last week we discussed the first five horror movies that you would totally survive, because, let’s face it, most of us would not be one of the few characters left alive at the end of our favorite horror films. This week we take a look at the second set of five horror films which, thanks to your savvy horror movie knowledge, and common sense, you would probably get through to see a happy ending or at least an ending where you are not horribly mauled, eaten, or stabbed.

Be warned: some light spoilers to follow:

The Ring (2002):

 

This one is pretty straightforward:

Friend: You need to see this crazy video!

You: Alright cool, send me the link.

Friend: No, it is this freaky, unmarked VHS tape.

You: (Bursting out laughing) VHS tape? Sorry Balki Bartokomous, I don’t have a VCR. I can’t believe you still have a tape player…a tape player that works!

Friend: ….yeah.

You: You’re such a hipster. Oh hey, you should come over when you’re done work, I just got my new surround sound hooked into my HDTV and PS4. Don’t worry though, we’ll watch something from the 1980s on Netflix so you feel at home.

Sure, your friend is dead in under a week from being terrified by the embodiment of loneliness, rage, and smallpox (read the books folks), but you will survive because you are like most of the rest of the western world and only have disc players and video streaming services. I suppose if you do still have the old VCR, it is for those classic horrors you love which are not on DVD/Blu-ray yet. Like The Carpenter(you know, because he builds terror).

The Shining (1980):

This is definitely a horror film that most would survive. Out of the three main characters, two of them make it out of the movie alive, so we are looking, at worst, at a two to one shot of getting through The Shining traumatized, but relatively unharmed.   However, there are a few things that would definitely improve your odds in case you are the one the Overlook Hotel tries to drive crazy:

First, if you are a recovering alcoholic with a struggling marriage and a young son who is seeing a psychiatrist because he probably has ESP, six months of isolation is probably not the best idea for you. You want to write a novel over winter? OK, have you thought about setting up a writing room at home or taking a job that allows you to write that does not require you to be isolated?  For example, night watchman at a shoe factory; there are very few people out there who are going to break in to steal shoes in winter: the steps into the factory are metal and they do not have shoes.

Well, let’s say that you are going to take the job (again, hopefully with a rock-solid relationship), bring some things with you to keep cabin fever at bay. If we ignore everything that would help keep us sane today, like video games, laptops, cell phones, iPods, e-readers etc. and work off of what was available at the time, those endowed with common sense would think ahead and bring some crossword puzzle books, jigsaw puzzles, hobbies, crafts, and board games. The Shining would have been a completely different movie if the family had played Dungeons and Dragons twice a week to reconnect:

“Tony says he casts fireball at the were-owl”

“It hits for 18 damage, well done Tony”

“Thanks, Mr. Torrance”.

Do you not like board games? Watch the TV in your residence’s living room and bring a VCR with a box of tapes for when there is nothing on. Knit. Do a 3000-piece jigsaw puzzle of the Universal Movie Monsters. Hell, take up cross-country skiing; trust me, if you spend a morning cross-country skiing, no matter what Lloyd says, you will be too tired to kill your family.

Barring all of that, let us say you are still getting pressured by ghosts to do evil things to your family. Before you grab the ax, just work to avoid Room 237 and the other ghosts who are pressuring you (remember what mom said: “If they’re pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, they are not your friends”) and have a conversation with the people you brought with you.  This is when that good relationship really pays off as you can calm down and ground yourself back in reality by taking the time to talk to them about random stuff, like how they should join you cross-country skiing, or how badly you want an all blood-red and white bathroom at home.

The Blair Witch Project (1999) & Most of the Found Footage Films:

This common-sense “surviving the horror movie” idea applies to essentially every “found-footage” horror film out there:

Put. The camera. Down.

You immediately become useful, and 95% more likely to survive whatever situation you have found yourself in, rather than an irritant to those who are actually trying to deal with the situation. Sure, it might not help you survive as much as not owning a VCR, or learning to whittle, as from here on out the Blair Witch situation would require you to have common sense and some skill in walking in a straight line, but at a certain point, it is time to put the camera away and focus on getting out of the woods.

Or, say you are making a zombie film and suddenly a real zombie outbreak starts (again, as I said in Part One, most of us are dead in a zombie outbreak, but stick with me on this): put the camera down and focus on helping your friends stay alive.  Help arm the group by crafting weapons, hit some zombies in the head, or think up some post ‘zombie kill’ puns. Literally, anything is better than standing 10 feet away from everyone saying: “wow” and “what is happening?” Do you know how you might find out what is happening, camera guy? By doing things.  At the very, very least contribute your expertise of pointing at stuff and point out the approaching zombies to your actually useful friends, who will deal with them for you. Then all of you have a better chance of getting out of there alive than you even will if you keep filming things and yelling obvious statements.

At the end of the day, for most of us “going on a witch hunt” or “investigating witches in the woods” is now code for a bush party. Perhaps those students just got lost and mad at each other because they missed a rager, and they keep getting freaked out by the drunken kids who found out about these ‘filmmakers’ missing the party and chose to terrorize them on a dare the revelers, in a drunken haze, do not remember anymore.  That makes as much sense as anything else in The Blair Witch Project.

The Exorcist (1974):

You would totally survive one of the best (if not the best) horror movie ever made in this way:

Do not get possessed by Pazuzu.

Think about it, despite the fact that this is still the best exorcism film, bar none, and one of the scariest films ever made, there are only two people who are possessed. Only one of them dies, and the other one who dies is the old priest who tries to exorcise the demon, which in any case, you are probably not going to be doing.

For the sake of argument then, let’s say that two people are killed because of the possession in The Exorcist. The population of the world was roughly 4 billion in 1974, which means that you have a 0.0000005% chance of dying.

Statistically, you have a better chance (0.000024%) of being eaten by ravenous, satanic hamsters.

Pet Semetary (1989):

OK, you move into a nice, small town with your family to get away from the big city and you befriend a wordy, but a kind old man who lives in town and warns you that there may be something supernatural about the cemetery (you know, with the quaint misspelling that makes it seem folksy) plotted in a Native American burial ground. Sure, maybe you do not believe him at first, and then you meet your dead, now zombie student who warns you of the same thing.

Man/Woman of science are ye? Alright, you do not believe all this supernatural “mumbo-jumbo”. Then let’s say your daughter’s cat gets hit by a car and you think: “well, clearly this Micmac burial ground is the place to bury it: look at all the other things buried here! And, if it (scoff) comes back to life (snort), then I don’t have to buy a new cat and pretend it’s Church (that’s the cat name in Pet Semetary) ”.

Well good, the cat came back, and is only evil most of the time, so that isn’t too bad…and now I have this dead son…

Do you see where this is going? At a certain point, maybe it is time to stop burying things in that cemetery just so you can see what happens. What’s that? Does nothing happen when you stop burying things where all the evil comes from? Oh perfect, guess you can just go back to work.

Eventually, I would like to think a savvy person like you would either accept the fact that everyone is telling you not to do the same thing that already went horribly wrong for everyone else (learning from history, so you are not doomed to repeat it) and grieve for your tragedy and/or move.   Do you know how many small, quaint towns there are? Find another one when you are ready to try and start afresh. Picking a town where you will not be tempted to play God and try and resurrect your dead son and/or wife is always a good idea.

If you cannot pass up the opportunity; your grief is too strong, or you have gone a little crazy with hope and sadness to be deterred by that cat keeps which keeps attacking people and your plan is to keep burying dead relatives there until one of them comes back nice, fine. At least buy a shotgun:

You: You evil and crazy?

Undead relative: No

You: Then what is the knife for?

Undead relative: I…made brownies…for you…

You: And where are they?

Undead Relative: Uhhhh…

*BLAM*

Then you can bury them again and see what comes back this time; fingers crossed!

That is all 10 folks! Let me know what you think about having a bright red bathroom, a VCR (and what you are still watching on it), or if there are any horror movies out there that you think you would totally survive in the comments below.

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Thrills and Chills: Ranking ‘Radio Silence’ Films from Bloody Brilliant to Just Bloody

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Radio Silence Films

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett, and Chad Villella are all filmmakers under the collective label called Radio Silence. Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett are the primary directors under that moniker while Villella produces.

They have gained popularity over the past 13 years and their films have become known as having a certain Radio Silence “signature.” They are bloody, usually contain monsters, and have breakneck action sequences. Their recent film Abigail exemplifies that signature and is perhaps their best film yet. They are currently working on a reboot of John Carpenter’s Escape From New York.

We thought we would go through the list of projects they have directed and rank them from high to low. None of the movies and shorts on this list are bad, they all have their merits. These rankings from top to bottom are just ones we felt showcased their talents the best.

We didn’t include movies they produced but didn’t direct.

#1. Abigail

An update to the second film on this list, Abagail is the natural progression of Radio Silence’s love of lockdown horror. It follows in pretty much the same footsteps of Ready or Not, but manages to go one better — make it about vampires.

Abigail

#2. Ready or Not

This film put Radio Silence on the map. While not as successful at the box office as some of their other films, Ready or Not proved that the team could step outside their limited anthology space and create a fun, thrilling, and bloody adventure-length film.

Ready or Not

#3. Scream (2022)

While Scream will always be a polarizing franchise, this prequel, sequel, reboot — however you want to label it showed just how much Radio Silence knew the source material. It wasn’t lazy or cash-grabby, just a good time with legendary characters we love and new ones who grew on us.

Scream (2022)

#4 Southbound (The Way Out)

Radio Silence tosses their found footage modus operandi for this anthology film. Responsible for the bookend stories, they create a terrifying world in their segment titled The Way Out, which involves strange floating beings and some sort of time loop. It’s kind of the first time we see their work without a shaky cam. If we were to rank this entire film, it would remain at this position on the list.

Southbound

#5. V/H/S (10/31/98)

The film that started it all for Radio Silence. Or should we say the segment that started it all. Even though this isn’t feature-length what they managed to do with the time they had was very good. Their chapter was titled 10/31/98, a found-footage short involving a group of friends who crash what they think is a staged exorcism only to learn not to assume things on Halloween night.

V/H/S

#6. Scream VI

Cranking up the action, moving to the big city and letting Ghostface use a shotgun, Scream VI turned the franchise on its head. Like their first one, this film played with canon and managed to win over a lot of fans in its direction, but alienated others for coloring too far outside the lines of Wes Craven’s beloved series. If any sequel was showing how the trope was going stale it was Scream VI, but it managed to squeeze some fresh blood out of this nearly three-decade mainstay.

Scream VI

#7. Devil’s Due

Fairly underrated, this, Radio Silence’s first feature-length film, is a sampler of things they took from V/H/S. It was filmed in an omnipresent found footage style, showcasing a form of possession, and features clueless men. Since this was their first bonafide major studio job it’s a wonderful touchstone to see how far they have come with their storytelling.

Devil’s Due

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Perhaps the Scariest, Most Disturbing Series of The Year

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You may have never heard of Richard Gadd, but that will probably change after this month. His mini-series Baby Reindeer just hit Netflix and it’s a terrifying deep dive into abuse, addiction, and mental illness. What is even scarier is that it’s based on Gadd’s real-life hardships.

The crux of the story is about a man named Donny Dunn played by Gadd who wants to be a stand-up comedian, but it’s not working out so well thanks to stage fright stemming from his insecurity.

One day at his day job he meets a woman named Martha, played to unhinged perfection by Jessica Gunning, who is instantly charmed by Donny’s kindness and good looks. It doesn’t take long before she nicknames him “Baby Reindeer” and begins to relentlessly stalk him. But that is just the apex of Donny’s problems, he has his own incredibly disturbing issues.

This mini-series should come with a lot of triggers, so just be warned it is not for the faint of heart. The horrors here don’t come from blood and gore, but from physical and mental abuse that go beyond any physiological thriller you may have ever seen.

“It’s very emotionally true, obviously: I was severely stalked and severely abused,” Gadd said to People, explaining why he changed some aspects of the story. “But we wanted it to exist in the sphere of art, as well as protect the people it’s based on.”

The series has gained momentum thanks to positive word-of-mouth, and Gadd is getting used to the notoriety.

“It’s clearly struck a chord,” he told The Guardian. “I really did believe in it, but it’s taken off so quickly that I do feel a bit windswept.”

You can stream Baby Reindeer on Netflix right now.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org.

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The Original ‘Beetlejuice’ Sequel Had an Interesting Location

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beetlejuice in Hawaii Movie

Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s sequels to hit movies weren’t as linear as they are today. It was more like “let’s re-do the situation but in a different location.” Remember Speed 2, or National Lampoon’s European Vacation? Even Aliens, as good as it is, follows a lot of the plot points of the original; people stuck on a ship, an android, a little girl in peril instead of a cat. So it makes sense that one of the most popular supernatural comedies of all time, Beetlejuice would follow the same pattern.

In 1991 Tim Burton was interested in doing a sequel to his 1988 original, it was called Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian:

“The Deetz family moves to Hawaii to develop a resort. Construction begins, and it’s quickly discovered that the hotel will be sitting on top of an ancient burial ground. Beetlejuice comes in to save the day.”

Burton liked the script but wanted some re-writes so he asked then-hot screenwriter Daniel Waters who had just got done contributing to Heathers. He passed on the opportunity so producer David Geffen offered it to Troop Beverly Hills scribe Pamela Norris to no avail.

Eventually, Warner Bros. asked Kevin Smith to punch up Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, he scoffed at the idea, saying, “Didn’t we say all we needed to say in the first Beetlejuice? Must we go tropical?”

Nine years later the sequel was killed. The studio said Winona Ryder was now too old for the part and an entire re-cast needed to happen. But Burton never gave up, there were a lot of directions he wanted to take his characters, including a Disney crossover.

“We talked about lots of different things,” the director said in Entertainment Weekly. “That was early on when we were going, Beetlejuice and the Haunted MansionBeetlejuice Goes West, whatever. Lots of things came up.”

Fast-forward to 2011 when another script was pitched for a sequel. This time the writer of Burton’s Dark Shadows,  Seth Grahame-Smith was hired and he wanted to make sure the story wasn’t a cash-grabbing remake or reboot. Four years later, in 2015, a script was approved with both Ryder and Keaton saying they would return to their respective roles. In 2017 that script was revamped and then eventually shelved in 2019.

During the time the sequel script was being tossed around in Hollywood, in 2016 an artist named Alex Murillo posted what looked like one-sheets for a Beetlejuice sequel. Although they were fabricated and had no affiliation with Warner Bros. people thought they were real.

Perhaps the virality of the artwork sparked interest in a Beetlejuice sequel once again, and finally, it was confirmed in 2022 Beetlejuice 2 had a green light from a script written by Wednesday writers  Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. The star of that series Jenna Ortega signed on to the new movie with filming starting in 2023. It was also confirmed that Danny Elfman would return to do the score.

Burton and Keaton agreed that the new film titled Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice wouldn’t rely on CGI or other other forms of technology. They wanted the film to feel “handmade.” The film wrapped in November 2023.

It’s been over three decades to come up with a sequel to Beetlejuice. Hopefully, since they said aloha to Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian there has been enough time and creativity to ensure Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice will not only honor the characters, but fans of the original.

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice will open theatrically on September 6.

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