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Randy’s Rules Revisited: How to Survive Real Life Killers

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We all know the original cardinal rules of horror movies: you won’t survive if you have sex, you won’t survive if you’re drunk or high, and you most definitely will not survive if you go off to investigate a strange noise. Thanks to Randy Meeks (Scream), fanatics that had taken to screaming, “Don’t do that!” at the screen suddenly had a voice on the screen, verbalizing what they already knew. But it’s easy to tell characters that they should be listening to the kooky old gas station attendant warning them of vaguely ominous danger ahead when we’ve already seen several extras get chopped into tiny pieces by a mad man up the road. Without possessing the omnipotence of the audience, we’re all on equal footing because no one expects to suddenly find themselves in a real life horror movie. That’s a good thing, because the “rules” change from one psychopath to the next, and what kept you safe from Dahmer may not help avoiding death at the hands of The Zodiac Killer. Here’s a look at a few notorious serial killers, and what rules of survival we’ve learned from their terrifying reigns.

Lock Your Doors

richardchase

Richard Chase, aka “The Vampire of Sacramento”, would not enter homes with locked doors, but took unlocked homes to be an invitation to enter. Chase was heavily into the vampire mythology and drank the blood of his victims along with various animals to support his “need.” He had claimed 6 victims before intentionally overdosing in a prison cell.

Sobriety is Safety

dahmer

Jeffrey Dahmer was actually banned from a bath house after drugging one victim all the way to an overdose. He didn’t appreciate his sexual partners’ bad habit of moving during the act, and had taken to lacing liquor with sedatives to get that sexy corpse-like feeling. Obviously the victims didn’t expect to get drugged, raped, murdered, and eaten, but think about it: Dahmer had 17 known victims. 17 people made the mistake of trusting a regular looking dude. Keep that in mind the next time you’re hanging with an attractive new acquaintance and they offer to mix you a cocktail.

Unprotected Sex Will Screw You

ameliadyer

Maybe this one is a tiny bit of a stretch, but Amelia Dyer is thought to have killed as many as 400 babies–maybe more–during her “baby farming” career. Presenting herself as a loving, maternal figure, she took a one time payment from single mothers in desperate situations (single motherhood was sort of a bitch in the 1800s) offering to give their child a safe and loving home. What she actually did was starve or strangle the babies and keep the mother’s payment, pocketing it as purely profit. Many of the mothers that gave Dyer their child had hopes of one day reuniting with their children, which obviously never happened.

Trust No One

marybell

Mary Bell is not technically a serial killer as she only claimed 2 lives, but to be fair, that’s a lot to get done in between Saturday morning cartoons. Bell was 10 years old when she strangled her first victim, a 4 year old. Her second victim was not taken until she reached the ripe old age of 11. We’ve all heard the urban legend about the babysitter receiving strange phone calls from someone inquiring as to whether the babysitter has checked on the children, but what if you don’t want to check on the children because they might be armed?!

Clowns Are Bad and Should Be Avoided

gacyclown

Although John Wayne Gacy didn’t murder people while in his “Pogo the Clown” entertainer personality, he performed many events dressed as a fucking clown and if his victim count (over 30) doesn’t make him a monster, his alter ego does. For all you coulrophiles out there, just kidding! (Psst…everyone else…we know clowns are fucking evil.)

Tourists Are Targets

bikinikiller

Charles Sobhraj, aka “The Bikini Killer” totaled over one dozen victims between 1974-1976. His exact victim count is unknown, though most were Western tourists. Sobhraj killed in several countries, and is currently incarcerated in Nepal.

The Mask Doesn’t Always Come Off

shadowsketch

The Doodler is a still unidentified serial killer who operated in California in the 1970s, picking up victims at gay nightclubs and bars. Earning the nickname from his habit of sketching them before engaging in sexual activities and then murdering them, The Doodler has a victim count of 14. Three other individuals survived the attacks, although their reluctance to “out” themselves as gay meant there was no trial, and the identity of the killer is unknown.

 

 

 

 

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Another Creepy Spider Movie Hits Shudder This Month

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Good spider films are a theme this year. First, we had Sting and then there was Infested. The former is still in theaters and the latter is coming to Shudder starting April 26.

Infested has been getting some good reviews. People are saying that it’s not only a great creature feature but also a social commentary on racism in France.

According to IMDb: Writer/director Sébastien Vanicek was looking for ideas around the discrimination faced by black and Arab-looking people in France, and that led him to spiders, which are rarely welcome in homes; whenever they’re spotted, they’re swatted. As everyone in the story (people and spiders) is treated like vermin by society, the title came to him naturally.

Shudder has become the gold standard for streaming horror content. Since 2016, the service has been offering fans an expansive library of genre movies. in 2017, they began to stream exclusive content.

Since then Shudder has become a powerhouse in the film festival circuit, buying distribution rights to movies, or just producing some of their own. Just like Netflix, they give a film a short theatrical run before adding it to their library exclusively for subscribers.

Late Night With the Devil is a great example. It was released theatrically on March 22 and will begin streaming on the platform starting April 19.

While not getting the same buzz as Late Night, Infested is a festival favorite and many have said if you suffer from arachnophobia, you might want to take heed before watching it.

Infested

According to the synopsis, our main character, Kalib is turning 30 and dealing with some family issues. “He’s fighting with his sister over an inheritance and has cut ties with his best friend. Fascinated by exotic animals, he finds a venomous spider in a shop and brings it back to his apartment. It only takes a moment for the spider to escape and reproduce, turning the whole building into a dreadful web trap. The only option for Kaleb and his friends is to find a way out and survive.”

The film will be available to watch on Shudder starting April 26.

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Part Concert, Part Horror Movie M. Night Shyamalan’s ‘Trap’ Trailer Released

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In true Shyamalan form, he sets his film Trap inside a social situation where we aren’t sure what is going on. Hopefully, there is a twist at the end. Furthermore, we hope it’s better than the one in his divisive 2021 movie Old.

The trailer seemingly gives away a lot, but, as in the past, you can’t rely on his trailers because they are often red herrings and you are being gaslit to think a certain way. For instance, his movie Knock at the Cabin was completely different than what the trailer implied and if you hadn’t read the book on which the film is based it was still like going in blind.

The plot for Trap is being dubbed an “experience” and we aren’t quite sure what that means. If we were to guess based on the trailer, it’s a concert movie wrapped around a horror mystery. There are original songs performed by Saleka, who plays Lady Raven, a kind of Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga hybrid. They have even set up a Lady Raven website to further the illusion.

Here is the fresh trailer:

According to the synopsis, a father takes his daughter to one of Lady Raven’s jam-packed concerts, “where they realize they’re at the center of a dark and sinister event.”

Written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, Trap stars Josh Hartnett, Ariel Donoghue, Saleka Shyamalan, Hayley Mills and Allison Pill. The film is produced by Ashwin Rajan, Marc Bienstock and M. Night Shyamalan. The executive producer is Steven Schneider.

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Woman Brings Corpse Into Bank To Sign Loan Papers

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Warning: This is a disturbing story.

You have to be pretty desperate for money to do what this Brazilian woman did at the bank to get a loan. She wheeled in a fresh corpse to endorse the contract and she seemingly thought the bank employees wouldn’t notice. They did.

This weird and disturbing story comes via ScreenGeek an entertainment digital publication. They write that a woman identified as Erika de Souza Vieira Nunes pushed a man she identified as her uncle into the bank pleading with him to sign loan papers for $3,400. 

If you’re squeamish or easily triggered, be aware that the video captured of the situation is disturbing. 

Latin America’s largest commercial network, TV Globo, reported on the crime, and according to ScreenGeek this is what Nunes says in Portuguese during the attempted transaction. 

“Uncle, are you paying attention? You must sign [the loan contract]. If you don’t sign, there’s no way, as I cannot sign on your behalf!”

She then adds: “Sign so you can spare me further headaches; I can’t bear it any longer.” 

At first we thought this might be a hoax, but according to Brazilian police, the uncle, 68-year-old Paulo Roberto Braga had passed away earlier that day.

 “She attempted to feign his signature for the loan. He entered the bank already deceased,” Police Chief Fábio Luiz said in an interview with TV Globo. “Our priority is to continue investigating to identify other family members and gather more information regarding this loan.”

If convicted Nunes could be facing jail time on charges of fraud, embezzlement, and desecration of a corpse.

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