Listen, ladies. We all know what’s up. You’re going to a cabin in the woods with your friends for a fun weekend of drunken debauchery. How were you supposed to know that the cabin was built on an ancient burial ground where a neglected child drowned while looking for his long lost sister, who was a victim of a child killer that later died in a fire?
Danger could be lurking around every corner. If you want to jump from first victim to final girl, there are a few rules you’ll have to follow.
But don’t worry, a few of us ladies at iHorror have teamed up to help you out.
Don’t Ever Drop Your Weapon
Oh my God. We did it. We almost died but I got him. I stabbed in the eye. Now he’s lying there, dead, I assume, because I didn’t check. Let me put down my knife. I’ll set it right next to him since he’s dead and can’t use it and I’ll just turn my back and sit to catch my breath.
Wait…do you hear that music getting louder? What is that? Oh yeah, it’s the killer right behind me BECAUSE I LET HIM BORROW MY SHARP AND POINTY KNIFE!
Ladies, we need to talk. This rule is so, very important. If the killer seems dead, he probably isn’t. Keep those weapons in your hands, even if you must duct tape them to your digits to keep from dropping them when, I can only assume, you fall at least once during your attempted escape.
When in doubt, keep the weapon and kill him again if you must. Never. Put. It. Down.
– D.D. Crowley
Don’t Run Upstairs
Ladies, I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish by running upstairs, but I can tell you right off the bat that it’s not a great idea. Unless you have the legs of a giraffe with the grace of a gazelle, you’re pretty much doomed if the killer is right behind you. You just can’t get up the stairs that quickly, and chances are he’s well over 6′ tall with some kind of weapon to extend his reach.
If you do somehow miraculously succeed, what’s the plan? Are you going to hide in a closet because nobody has ever checked there? Jump out a window and injure your leg, preventing a quick getaway? Are you hoping to out-maneuver the killer and sneak back down the stairs before he catches you? Do you even know the layout of this house?
No. You’re going to get trapped and it’s overall just a bad scene. Do yourself a favor and stick with a manageable escape route.
– Kelly McNeely
Don’t Have Sex
I know, I know. The sultry setting of that abandoned old house makes it oh-so tempting (Unf, asbestos!). The adrenaline rush that this place gives you goes straight to the root chakra.
However, in the midst of copulation, the ecstasy leaves you both vulnerable and distracted–two dire traits to avoid when a serial killer is on the loose. And besides: did you plan this, young lady? Did you use protection? Do you really want to waddle away, a slave to the weight of a baby belly, when that son of a bitch strikes back for the sequel?
That is, if you make it that long…
– Tiffi Alarie
Always Go For the Kill
I don’t care if he looks dead. When there’s a maniac on your heels, terrorizing you and steadily slaughtering your less-savvy friends, there’s no such thing as overkill.
You just know that the second you turn your back, that villain is going to pop back up like a diabolical jack-in-the-box. It’s really going to put a dampener on your post-vengeance sense of relief.
There’s no need to take a moment to check if he’s really dead. Go ahead and stab, shoot, or kick your way to safety by totally pulverizing that guy. The blood and – if you’re really committed – chunks of brain left on your hands may be traumatizing, but hey, you won this round.
– Kelly McNeely
Don’t Wear High Heels
Let’s face it ladies, high heels can be difficult to walk in even under the most favorable of circumstances. Deep down inside we know even with the smoothest, most obstacle free hard surfaces, our feet can only endure so much when squeezed into those phalanx prisons.
We may not want to admit it to our fellas, but high heels can be a real bitch. I don’t care how cute you think they are, how well they match your outfit, or how tall they make you look. When a relentless killer is pursuing you, they won’t care either.
Our desire to be in vogue or impress that cute guy across the room with our trendy tootsies will lead to our own undoing. How many times have we seen a female character running, or hobbling, away from the steady stalk of a killer only to trip over, well, nothing? Now why would you increase those odds of being added to the body pile by wearing high heels?
There are just too many things that can go wrong! Your heel can snap leaving you to stumble away unevenly. Even worse, your heel can fall off completely, becoming a useless projectile to throw at the killer.
If your shoes do decide to stay in one piece and remain on your feet they will undoubtedly slip just right to twist or break an ankle, leaving you unable to run to your full potential.
Readers, don’t let these ladies who have come before us – only to meet their untimely demise due to fashionable footwear – die in vain. Let us learn from their mistakes. No more senseless stilettos or foolish wedges. Say no to painful pumps and platforms. Let us vow once and for all; at the first signs of shit hitting the fan we will take off the heels and find a sensible pair of sneakers to hightail it out of there!
– Piper Minear
Don’t Leave the Group
Ladies, if you wander off, you’re just going to disappear, never to be seen again. I hope you’re okay with that.
When you’re on your own, you don’t have anyone to watch your back. And when you don’t have anyone to watch your back, you’re going to have an unfortunate and painful surprise. The killer is always lying in wait, looking for the weakest prey to separate from the pack. It’s only natural, and it’s extremely effective. Don’t fall for it.
The added benefit of staying with the group is that if there’s someone slower than you, chances are you’ll be ok. Sorry, friend, but it’s survival of the fittest here.
– Kelly McNeely
Don’t Drink Alcohol or Use Drugs
Finally, let’s get one last thing straight; do not drink alcohol or use drugs. No one in the history of horror movies has ever been able to handle their high long enough to combat a stone cold killer. Once you hear the “Ch Ch Ch, Ah Ah Ah”s you better sober the hell up, put one foot in front of the other and RUN!
We’ve all been there, ladies. You’re the new girl at the party and you want to fit in. You don’t want to be seen as a square for not taking a hit off of the bong fashioned out of some old relic that was found in the basement. Or God forbid you pass on shot gunning a brewski punctured with a screwdriver, an implement I’m sure you will never, ever see again *cough cough.*
But is it really worth it? You’ve never seen any of these people before this party, and chances are pretty good that you won’t be seeing them again after… not alive anyways.
If you’re still not sold on whether or not you’re willing to risk losing your “cool card,” let’s take a look at the lessons we’ve learned from the hardcore party ladies before us.
Drinking beer is usually not going to put you as the first to die on the killer’s hit list; these spots are reserved for a much more accomplished and higher caliber naughty girl than yourself. When you start mixing your beer with harder liquor is when your risk factor begins to rise, and depending on how much you drink, it can rise pretty quickly.
Stay away from drinking games. Being the new girl will peg you as a pretty easy target, so everyone will rally together to get you drunk. Not only will you need to be wary of any psychopaths on the premises, now you have to worry about drunk boys trying to get in your panties, too.
If you have given in to the hard stuff, you have now successfully risen from the bottom of the desired kill list to the halfway mark. These are pretty murky waters and can lead to other bad choices.
Let’s say you decide to partake in premarital sex with that cute guy you’ve been stealing looks at all night long. Uh oh! This moves you up a few more pegs into the danger territory. You may see it as fitting in with what everyone else is doing, but a masked killer is going to be drawn to your actions like a shark with blood in the water. The feeding frenzy is about to begin.
Finally, if after the beers, shots, and premarital sex, you still decide to top it off with some weed, well then you’re just ringing the dinner bell, and you’re the main course!
– Piper Minear
So there you have it, ladies. Hopefully this can help you make it through the night. Make good choices, note your exits, and go have fun!
Looking for more Scream Queen motivation? Click here to read our list of Top Ten Final Girls
Featured image courtesy of Chris Fischer