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Fab Five: The Best of Chopping Mall

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When Secure-Tronics introduced the Protector 101 series of security robots at the Park Plaza mall in 1986, they made one simple assertion — “Absolutely nothing can go wrong.”

They were incorrect.

Nonetheless, such sentiment unleashed a Radio Shack experiment gone bad. The bots were basically what would have happened had Johnny 5 and ED-209 made a love droid sprinkled with a stormtrooper’s blaster skills.

Oh, the fun that was had as a result.

Here are five of the finest aspects of Jim Wynorski’s Chopping Mall.

WALTER PAISLEY

It’s Dick Miller. Let’s be real, further elaboration isn’t necessary, but we’ll do it anyway. One of the great character actors of all-time, Miller has been referred to as “intensely funny” by Roger Corman, who of course is married to Chopping Mall producer Julie Corman.

As a mall janitor, Miller’s character went by a name we’ve grown quite familiar with over the years and was his typical, on-screen self. Cranky, tough, sarcastic and funny. When one of the Go-Bots knocked over his bucket of water he threatened to turn it into scrap metal before softening to show his ID. When that didn’t go as smoothly or quickly as he’d hoped, Miller attempted to drop the hammer with a mop handle before getting cooked.

Very quickly, though it had nothing to do with anything, but in a shot where Miller was chatting with some of his janitorial brethren, a shop can be seen in the background called Slavick’s Jewelers. Now, this was three years before Miller revealed his disdain for cul-de-sacs, but one can’t help but giggle that we got a kinda sorta reference to The ‘Burbsbecause we’re all aware that Miller is not only Corman’s boy, but Joe Dante’s, as well.

BASICALLY I SAID ‘EM, YEAH

Alright, so it was a reference from the original The Day the Earth Stood Still, but you can’t help but love the moment. I know it makes me smile from ear-to-ear every time I hear it. Mike Brennan (John Terlesky) was the prototypical ’80s beefcake — big hair, big muscles, big smile, constantly champing gum and a one-track mind. However, when Leslie Tood (Suzee Slater) asked him to wander off to get some post-coital smokes from the cigarette machine (ahhh, the ’80s), he was confronted with one of the rage-bots and it was just a classic moment. He offered up his ID for scan, but before pulling it away dropped “Klaatu, verada, nikto. Okay?” A nod to a sci-fi classic and perhaps inspiration for Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi’s Army of Darkness. Regardless, it never gets old.

RICK, OLD BOY. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR…LIFE?

I doubt any of you missed the Friday the 13th Part 2 reference there, but just to be safe, Russell Todd not only portrayed Rick Stanton in Chopping Mall, but also Scott in the first sequel of the Camp Crystal Lake saga. He’d matured from harassing and firing slingshots at Terry’s derriere to married life, but didn’t handle it very well when his better half was taken out by the bots. Funny, because Todd’s Friday co-star Tom McBride proved he’d never be the head of a major corporation, and Rick followed suit, jumping on a transport cart like Austin Powers for a five-foot trek only to be electrocuted almost immediately. I guess he just couldn’t stand the thought of life without his bride.

TOUGH TRIO

These were not your typical high school horror girls. Alright, so Barbara Crampton played fun-loving and sexed-up to perfection, but about the time Leslie lost her head, Crampton went off the deep end.

However, Linda Stanton (Karrie Emerson) was anything but the throw-away female character whose only requirement was to show her breasts and die a memorable death. No, Linda was resourceful and thought on her feet. She fixed her truck when her husband couldn’t and taught the other ladies how to create some bombastic Molotov cocktails in the hardware store. Linda would have made a fine final girl, indeed.

If it weren’t for Alison Parks (Kelli Maroney). While it’s true her character was hesitant to go to the furniture store party, she felt a connection with Ferdy (Tony O’Dell) and even allowed the bespectacled wonder to reach first base in a sweet, Stacy Hamilton / Mark Ratner, Fast Times moment. However, she never lost her edge. I mean, she was a Marine’s kid. Not only was she the Steph Curry of final girls, it was altogether fitting that she’d drop the Schwarzenegger-level, “Have a nice day” one-liner before blowing the final bot to bits at the Sherman Oaks Galleria, the very same mall where scenes for Commando were filmed.

Nice shot.

PECKINPAH’S!

Report from the front: Ferdy’s got a worry.

Everything about this scene is just amazing. The boys decide that they need to make a stand and head to the sporting goods store for some weaponry. From Rambo-grams to the camera tilt revealing a group of would-be badasses, it’s just pure magic.

BONUS

After Alison slipped the spiders and snakes and scooted out of the pet store, the camera panned to reveal the name of the establishment — Roger’s Little Shop of Pets.

Bloody. Brilliant.

Chopping Mall is well stocked with memorable moments, so please don’t be shy and shares yours in the comments section below.

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Another Creepy Spider Movie Hits Shudder This Month

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Good spider films are a theme this year. First, we had Sting and then there was Infested. The former is still in theaters and the latter is coming to Shudder starting April 26.

Infested has been getting some good reviews. People are saying that it’s not only a great creature feature but also a social commentary on racism in France.

According to IMDb: Writer/director Sébastien Vanicek was looking for ideas around the discrimination faced by black and Arab-looking people in France, and that led him to spiders, which are rarely welcome in homes; whenever they’re spotted, they’re swatted. As everyone in the story (people and spiders) is treated like vermin by society, the title came to him naturally.

Shudder has become the gold standard for streaming horror content. Since 2016, the service has been offering fans an expansive library of genre movies. in 2017, they began to stream exclusive content.

Since then Shudder has become a powerhouse in the film festival circuit, buying distribution rights to movies, or just producing some of their own. Just like Netflix, they give a film a short theatrical run before adding it to their library exclusively for subscribers.

Late Night With the Devil is a great example. It was released theatrically on March 22 and will begin streaming on the platform starting April 19.

While not getting the same buzz as Late Night, Infested is a festival favorite and many have said if you suffer from arachnophobia, you might want to take heed before watching it.

Infested

According to the synopsis, our main character, Kalib is turning 30 and dealing with some family issues. “He’s fighting with his sister over an inheritance and has cut ties with his best friend. Fascinated by exotic animals, he finds a venomous spider in a shop and brings it back to his apartment. It only takes a moment for the spider to escape and reproduce, turning the whole building into a dreadful web trap. The only option for Kaleb and his friends is to find a way out and survive.”

The film will be available to watch on Shudder starting April 26.

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Part Concert, Part Horror Movie M. Night Shyamalan’s ‘Trap’ Trailer Released

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In true Shyamalan form, he sets his film Trap inside a social situation where we aren’t sure what is going on. Hopefully, there is a twist at the end. Furthermore, we hope it’s better than the one in his divisive 2021 movie Old.

The trailer seemingly gives away a lot, but, as in the past, you can’t rely on his trailers because they are often red herrings and you are being gaslit to think a certain way. For instance, his movie Knock at the Cabin was completely different than what the trailer implied and if you hadn’t read the book on which the film is based it was still like going in blind.

The plot for Trap is being dubbed an “experience” and we aren’t quite sure what that means. If we were to guess based on the trailer, it’s a concert movie wrapped around a horror mystery. There are original songs performed by Saleka, who plays Lady Raven, a kind of Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga hybrid. They have even set up a Lady Raven website to further the illusion.

Here is the fresh trailer:

According to the synopsis, a father takes his daughter to one of Lady Raven’s jam-packed concerts, “where they realize they’re at the center of a dark and sinister event.”

Written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, Trap stars Josh Hartnett, Ariel Donoghue, Saleka Shyamalan, Hayley Mills and Allison Pill. The film is produced by Ashwin Rajan, Marc Bienstock and M. Night Shyamalan. The executive producer is Steven Schneider.

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Woman Brings Corpse Into Bank To Sign Loan Papers

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Warning: This is a disturbing story.

You have to be pretty desperate for money to do what this Brazilian woman did at the bank to get a loan. She wheeled in a fresh corpse to endorse the contract and she seemingly thought the bank employees wouldn’t notice. They did.

This weird and disturbing story comes via ScreenGeek an entertainment digital publication. They write that a woman identified as Erika de Souza Vieira Nunes pushed a man she identified as her uncle into the bank pleading with him to sign loan papers for $3,400. 

If you’re squeamish or easily triggered, be aware that the video captured of the situation is disturbing. 

Latin America’s largest commercial network, TV Globo, reported on the crime, and according to ScreenGeek this is what Nunes says in Portuguese during the attempted transaction. 

“Uncle, are you paying attention? You must sign [the loan contract]. If you don’t sign, there’s no way, as I cannot sign on your behalf!”

She then adds: “Sign so you can spare me further headaches; I can’t bear it any longer.” 

At first we thought this might be a hoax, but according to Brazilian police, the uncle, 68-year-old Paulo Roberto Braga had passed away earlier that day.

 “She attempted to feign his signature for the loan. He entered the bank already deceased,” Police Chief Fábio Luiz said in an interview with TV Globo. “Our priority is to continue investigating to identify other family members and gather more information regarding this loan.”

If convicted Nunes could be facing jail time on charges of fraud, embezzlement, and desecration of a corpse.

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